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All My Single [Black] Ladies

June 26, 2010

Oh boy, I’m going to piss some people off today, because this right ch’ere — this is radical.  I can’t even believe I’m going to do this, but ya know, at this point in my life, I really don’t care.  In fact, just to show how cataclysmic I plan on being, I’m going to start off this Saturday bash on religion with a verse from the Bible, 2 Timothy 1:7:  For God has not given us a spirit of timidity, but of power and love and discipline.  So guess what?  This is going to be POWERFUL.  This is going to be BOLD.  This is The Weekly Wrap.

  • How about this, man?  It started off when I was driving to work Wednesday morning.  V-103 had this story.  If you haven’t read it, you should read it NOW.  I’ll wait.  If you have read it, then obviously you have an opinion.  I have an opinion, too, but you can probably tell what it was by my initial response:  I couldn’t stop laughing.
  • Personally, I think that if you can’t find humor in your own beliefs, you need to reconsider what you believe.  It’s a sign that you’re a little too close.  But when it comes to religion, it’s not a laughing matter to a lot of people — especially black people.  Black people start to shake (and I’m not talking about under the Holy Spirit) when the almighty Church is put under the microscope.  Saying something bad about religion is about as bad as those “Yo Momma” jokes from third grade.  Remember those?  The ones that if you were really mature you realized wasn’t worth fighting over?
  • (On a side note, doesn’t “Yo Momma” sound a lot like “O-bama”?  Maybe.  Could just be one of my brain farts.  But if you get mad everytime someone says something bad about our 44th President, this is for you.)
  • In any case, I thought the article was true more than it was false.  Mad true, people.  I’m not even going to go into specifics yet, but it’s fairly obvious to me that black people as a whole identify with church life more than other segments of the population.  It could be spiritual baggage from slavery (some of which was very good), but if you’re a black adult and you’re meeting another black adult for the first time, it can turn into a religious interview really quick.  Third or fourth question, right?  It’s like: “Hi, what’s your name?  Where do you live?  And, oh yeah, what church do you go to?”
  • Mad truth, people.  And if you want to know what I mean when I say Truth, you should read this.
  • But where to begin with this article?  I guess I want to start with society as a whole.  Assuming you can tame your emotions (and your shaking) long enough to imagine a world where religion doesn’t exist, you have to admit that our society puts an inordinate strain on women to find a man, and it doesn’t go the other way.  I mean, we start programming our girls early.  We buy them Fisher Price vacuum cleaners and bake sets so they want to emulate mommy (I call this the I Want to Be the Default Caretaker for the Rest of My Life Program).  We buy them glass slippers and dress them up like Princesses so they can dream about Prince Charming (I call this the I’ll Only Be Able to Find Salvation Through a Dashing and Powerful Man Program).  As a society, we place a loadstone burden on our women to be beautiful, and design all the clothes so that women become more desirable to men.  I mean — what is a push up bra?  Who are you pushing those big girls or those little puppies up for?  Your mother?  Your poodle?  (I call this the I Desperately Need a Man and I’ll Support the Whole Fucking Economy if I Have to to Find Him Program.  It’s all about the money, isn’t it?)
  • So we got all these pre-programmed women out there who want to settle down and do what their programming is telling them to do, but the men are being programmed to conquer the world, have fun, don’t settle on a cow until you’ve milked the herd.
  • But let’s get back to church, shall we?  Droves of single black women sitting in the pews looking for God-fearing brothers who don’t exist.  And before you try to drown out the conversation like Frank Ski and say the Church doesn’t teach that, I have to ask you how you know what all the Churches in Georgia, let alone the world, are telling their congregations.  Because there are two things in the world that currently irk me.  One is the insistence in mass media that one Black person stands for all Black when Black is a plentiful diversity.  The other is people who say Church or Bible as if there isn’t a multitude of interpretation.  There is no one Church; this is no one Bible.  If there was, there wouldn’t be these things called denominations.  Heard of those?
  • And what does God-fearing mean, anyway?  2 Timothy says that we do not have a spirit of fear, yet we should be God-fearing?  How does that work?  Maybe that’s why there are few God-fearing black men — because the Bible story breaks down logically in too many places.  God loves me, or so the Bible says, but in return I’m supposed to fear Him?  It just doesn’t make sense.  For instance, my wife loves me, and she loves me enough that when the time is right she’ll bear me a son or daughter, but in return for her love I’m supposed to say something like, “Girl, I’m scared of you!”  Is that what the Bible is saying?  That I should sound like a UPN network re-run?
  • The biggest conflict of interest in the Bible to me: God can’t be all-powerful because the Bible is specific — He could only have one son.  Which means God does have a limit to what He can do.  Where’s the bible verse that explains that?
  • I’m not poking fun at God, and I’m sure I’m not saying anything that hasn’t been said before.  I will say, though, that as a writer, there’s no way in the world I could get away with telling a story that has this many logical holes in it.  You all would laugh me off the planet.  And becoming a bestseller and most-printed book for over 1500 years?  No chance (and no pun intended) in hell.
  • So I guess I’ve said all of this to say, unequivocally, that there is a lot of truth in what Deborrah Cooper is saying.  It may not be the absolute truth, but there’s enough there so that if you’re honest, you’ll see that it’s still a man’s world even at church — especially at church.  Black people aren’t alone in this because the subjugation of woman to traditional helpmeet roles is a common practice in all churches, regardless of race.  If you’re OK with playing that role, this article isn’t for you.  If you’re not then it’s time to be BOLD like Deborrah, BOLD like the self-conflicting Bible says, because whether Christians will admit it or not, there is another way.

And that’s the Weekly Wrap.

Next Vista: Wednesday, June 30, 2010: “Independence Day”

<!–[if !mso]> <! st1\:*{behavior:url(#ieooui) } –> Oh boy I’m going to piss some people off today, because this right ch’ere — this is radical.  I can’t even believe I’m going to do this, but at this point in my life, I really don’t care.  In fact, just to show how cataclysmic I plan on being, I’m going to start off this bash on religion with a verse from the Bible: 2 Timothy 1:7.  For God give us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.  Guess what?  This is going to be POWERFUL.  This is going to be BOLD.  This is The Weekly Wrap. piss some people off today, because this right ch’ere — this is radical.  I can’t even believe I’m going to do this, but at this point in my life, I really don’t care.  In fact, just to show how cataclysmic I plan on being, I’m going to start off this bash on religion with a verse from the Bible: 2 Timothy 1:7.  For God give us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.  Guess what?  This is going to be POWERFUL.  This is going to be BOLD.  This is The Weekly Wrap.

How about this, man?  It started off when I was driving to work Wednesday morning.  V-103 had this story.  If you haven’t read it, you should read it now.  If you have read it, then obviously you have an opinion.  I have an opinion, too, but you can probably tell what it was by my initial response.  I couldn’t stop laughing.

Personally, I think that if you can’t find humor in your own beliefs, you need to reconsider what you believe.  It’s a sign that you’re a little too close.  But when it comes to religion, it’s not a laughing matter to a lot of people — especially black people.  People start to shake (and I’m not talking about under the Holy Spirit) when the almighty Church is put under the microscope.  Saying something bad about religion is about as nefarious as “Yo Momma” jokes from grade school.  Remember those?  The ones that if you were really mature you realized wasn’t worth fighting over?

In any case, I thought the article was true more than it was false.  Mad truth, people.  I’m not even going to go into specifics yet, but it’s fairly obvious to me that black people as a whole identify with church life more than other segments of the population.  It could be spiritual baggage from slavery, but if you’re black and meeting another black person for the first time, and this person is over 30, it can turn into a religious interview really quick.  Third or fourth question, right?  It’s like: “Hi, what’s your name?  And, oh yeah, what church do you go to?”

Mad truth, people.  And if you want to know what I mean when I say Truth, you should read this.

But where to begin with this article?  I guess I want to start with society as a whole.  Assuming you can tame your emotions (and your shaking) long enough to imagine a world where religion doesn’t exist, you have to admit that our society puts an inordinate strain on women to find a man, and it doesn’t go the other way for me.  I mean, we start programming our girls early.  Buy them Fisher Price vacuum cleaners and bake sets so they want to emulate mommy — I call this the I Want to Be the Default Caretaker for the Rest of my Life Program.  We buy them glass slippers and dress them up like Princesses so they can dream about Prince Charming — I call this the I’ll Only Be Able to Find Salvation Through a Dashing and Powerful Man Program.  As a society, we place a loadstone burden on our women to be beautiful, and design all the clothes so that women become more desirable to men.  I mean — what is a push up bra?  Who are you pushing those big girls or those little puppies up for?  Your mother?  Your poodle?

I call this the I Desperately Need a Man and I’ll Support the Whole Fucking Economy if I Have to to Find Him Program.

It’s all about the money, isn’t it?

So we got all these pre-programmed women out there who want to settle down and do what their programming is telling them to do, but the men are being programmed to conquer the world, have fun, don’t settle on a cow until you’ve milked the herd.  Let’s get back to church, shall we?  Droves of single black women sitting in the pews looking for God-fearing brothers who don’t exist.

And before try to drown out the conversation like Frank Ski and say the Church doesn’t teach that, I have to ask you how you know what all the Churches in Georgia, let alone the world, are telling their congregations.  Because there are two things in the world that currently irk me.  One is the instance in mass media that one Black person stands for all Black when Black is a plentiful diversity.  The other is people who say Church or Bible as if there isn’t a multitude of interpretation.  There is no one Church; this is no one Bible.  If there was, there wouldn’t be these things called denominations.  Heard of those?

And what does God-fearing mean, anyway?  2 Timothy says that we do not have a spirit of fear, but yet we should be God-fearing?  How does that work?  Maybe that’s why there are few God-fearing black men, because the Bible story breaks down logically in too many places.  God loves me, or so the Bible says, but in return I’m supposed to fear Him?  It just doesn’t make sense.  For instance, my wife loves me, and she loves me enough that when the time is right she’ll bear me a son or daughter, but in return for her love I’m supposed to say something like, “Girl, I’m scared of you!”  Is that what the Bible is saying?  That I should sound like a UPN network re-run?

Perhaps the biggest conflict of interest in the Bible to me: God can’t be all-powerful because the Bible is specific — He could only have one son.  Which means God does have a limit to what He can do.

I’m not poking fun at God, and I’m sure I’m not saying anything that hasn’t been said before.  I will say, though, that as a writer, there’s no way in the world I could get away with telling a story that has this many logical holes in it.  You all would laugh me off the planet.  And becoming a bestseller and most-printed book for over 1500 years?  No chance (and no pun intended) in hell.

So I guess I’ve said all of this to say, unequivocally, that there is a lot of truth in what Barbara is saying.  It may not be the absolute truth, but there’s enough there so that if you’re honest, you’ll see that it’s still a man’s world even at church — especially at church.  Black people aren’t along in this because the subjugation of woman to traditional helpmeet roles is a common practice in all churches, regardless of race.  If you’re OK with playing that role, this article isn’t for you.  If you’re not then it’s time to be BOLD like Barbara, because whether Christians will admit it or not, there is another way.

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3 Comments
  1. June 26, 2010 9:32 pm

    I want to thank you for such a balanced and full analysis of the points covered in my recent article on The Black Church. I also want to thank you for calling me “bold” which is probably the nicest thing anyone has called me all week!! lololol

    It’s great to see another person that truly “GETS IT!” which so many have not. Whether it be from defensiveness about their church or poor comprehension skills, many of the commenters on my blog and around the Internet just didn’t freaking get it. I plan to post a follow up article tonight and will link back to your blog as one of the many that really understood where I was coming from.

    Thank you again for a great commentary.

    • June 26, 2010 10:24 pm

      Thanks, Deborrah. I made a small edit to your comment, and I hope it’s self-explanatory. But regardless, I got the best laugh when I heard this on the radio. Good stuff. If you’re doing a follow-up, then you already know what to expect…

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